I’m livid – there’s a new sausage in town.

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I am not generally an over emotional sausage – but I feel compelled to write this down to try and purge the deep unhappiness I feel.  I have my place in our house – Supreme Ruler – and that has been the case since I first arrived 4 years ago. Yes yes she has dallied with the idea of introducing a dog to the household but I have made it clear, I am allergic to dogs and do not wish to share my space with one on an ongoing basis.

However some whispering and snickering and a frisson of excitement was building in our house – I chose to rise above it – they really do behave appallingly and it could have been anything that was setting them off. A party,  the opportunity for a day out, a booze up – so I didn’t suspect anything when I was harnessed up and placed in my usual place in the car – back left,  able to see out of the window where I generally try to bite my tongue and not back seat drive.  To be honest it’s hard – I mean she drives whilst talking and listening to the radio at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. I just wish she wouldn’t. Even if I could talk – I wouldn’t talk that much.  And I certainly wouldn’t talk such a lot of drivel. I’m sure of it. So to survive the journey intact I did what I usually do which is is lie down and zone out.

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What in Gods name does she think she’s doing?

Next thing I know I am being lifted down and unclipped. Looking around it was a lovely spot – in the Scottish borders – a green and pleasant land I thought as I lifted my leg to announce my arrival.

We were outside a lovely cottage and as I made my way towards it the door opened and out came 4 wire haired sausages – all girls! My instinct was to turn and run – I suspected they wanted me for one thing and one thing only – but sadly I was unable to help in that department having been emasculated by the vet some time ago.  (I don’t want to dwell on that its still too painful) So I stood still, my eyes bulging as the 4 of them boldly sniffed and prodded me in all sorts of personal places with their hairy wee noses. And then I noticed there was yet another one tentatively emerging from the door – a tiny thing – I did wonder if it was in fact a dog at all. As this hairy footed scrap ambled over the human was down on her knees like a shot – holding out her hand to the interloper which approached tentatively.

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Please make her go away.

My eyebrows bristled I had a bad feeling about this –  and as the Gang of Fur tromped off back inside – it was just me, the tiny wee pup and the humans left.  “This is all very well ” I barked as I turned toward the car “but I’m off home now – nice to meet you goodbye”

He hoisted me back into the car, usual seat, and I settled awaiting the driver to get back in but much to my horror the other back door opened and the tiny little scrap was placed right next to me, in a miniature version of my harness, and covered in a blanket. Hyperventilating my eyebrows bristled and I closed my eyes blocking out what I suspected was going to shape up to be the worst day of my life.

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The Gang of Fur descend….I am hiding….
Featured post

Sausage sitting

we have the delicious treat of sausage sitting this week for our friends. Meet Otto. A magnificent long sausage – on a larger scale than Charlie Chorizo the two get on like brothers from different mothers. Early walks, paddling in the sea, biscuits from the local cafe owners, they are living the dream. We are pawns in the game – bit players in their starring roles. Even the grumpiest slumped humans can not resist a half smile as the two beetle past, tails aloft, eyes bright, ears swinging, loving their lives.

Two sausages – are better than one. And on that note there may be news…. watch this space …..

New Sausage on the horizon.

Not in my house thank goodness. BUT there is a small cute button called Pip who has just landed from planet sausage in her new home in Aberdeen and there is no two ways about it – she is a cutie pie.

“She” the woman who claims to love me, is desperate to go North and snuggle it. I have to confess I am slightly anxious – will she prefer it to me? Will I be “let go”? Will I need to google ‘new homes for disillusioned sausages?” and if I do what will come up.

Its all a bit of a concern and in order to calm myself I have identified a tennis ball which I will chew until the fluff is all in my tum – that usually helps.  Anyway heres a photo of Pip. 6236f5fa-ccb9-40a6-9729-2d74f1743841

Short leg. Deep snow. Cold bottom.

cropped-img_07551.jpgYou may laugh.

its not funny being so small I trail through the snow like a stone.

Its cold under there I can tell you.

Its not helped by the laughing and pointing my shop seems to elect from passersby.

Please be thoughtful the next time you see a low slung sausage sashaying in the snow and give us a biscuit.

We need it for the blood sugar don’t you know.

 

Charlie x

Scottish sausage supporting Scotland

IMG_2715.JPGThe humanoids were in a state of excitement on Saturday – yesterday.

They were chattering madly and virtually ignored me as they prepared to go out and about in Edinburgh to see Scotland play England at rugby. The Calcutta Cup they called it? Fuss about nothing if you ask me.
Embarrassingly Trumpton was clad in tartan trousers. Has he no self respect that man?  She had on a thistle and they put my tartan neckerchief on – though I quite like that to be honest. Anyway, before they went out he tried to get me to out for a walk with him.

He was trying to rush me and I just knew I was going to be left in the house on my own when they went off gallivanting. So I did what any self respecting sausage would in that situation. I pretending I was smelling snow drops whilst scoping out a magnificent mound of fox poo and got right in there. My shoulder was down and I was in before he could stop me,

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Smelling the snowdrops

“Charlie noooooooooo!” he shouted as he ran across the park to distract me from the job in hand. But it was too late, I was a good 900  in and at it- I learnt that in the winter olympics watching those skiers – wow – it was effective. I was honking.

The tartan trousered one then tried to get me on my lead, I knew he wasn’t going to pick me up cos when I say I was high –  I was a high as a kite.  I clenched the toenails into the pavement – to make sure people thought he was being cruel and gave him the evil eye –  but he is stronger so I was dragged home on the lead.

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Making a run for it.

When the door opened she screamed – “aaaarrrgh what the hell is that smell? ” and then she saw me.

She ran the bath and he held on tight. I tried to run but he had secured me in and old towel so I couldn’t roll round the house like a stink bomb.   I was lofted up and dipped. The humiliation! He even used some L’oreal shampoo on me.

Now I smell like a girls head and my hair is all fluffed up like a game show hosts bouffant blow dry.  She took a photo of me all clean and smelling appallingly floral – she didn’t notice I stuck my tongue out at her.  Can you see it? Ho ho ho.

Frankly I am glad was left behind. I could not abide be seen out in public like that.

Oh and Scotland won – and the noise they were making when they came in last night – its not going to be pretty when they finally get up.

Hic.

 

 

Hotel Du Vin

The most dog friendly hotel in Europe?

Hotel Du Vin on Wimbledon Common is a dog lovers delight. As we pulled in to the huge car park we were faced with a beautiful old house as the long suffering husband exclaimed that the car in the a park net to us a De Lorean which sent him off into some male raving and ranting about cars engines and …excuse me while I drop off.

Sausage tip: The man  you are with loves  cars more than you. Bite him.

Into reception and the staff greeted me with my full title – Charlie Chorizo Sausage Dog like a long lost friend. “We love dogs” said the receptionist rubbing my tummy much to my delight. The husband thought optimistically she might move on to him. Which she didn’t clearly she has more taste.

Sausage tip: Roll onto you back fast and you can discombobulate receptionists. Great biscuit opp.

Having booked on booking.com we were shown to a very small and not very nice room which after a chat with the receptionist was changed for a much bigger one overlooking the front door, lawn and Wimbledon Common. There was a dog bed, and water dish in situ – honestly the hairy critters really are welcome here.

This is the roll I was referring to – come one you have to admit – its a cracker!

Then they went to the orangery for lunch. A huge sunny room over looking acres of grounds watching as people and their dogs lollop about. Dogs are allowed everywhere in the hotel with the exception of the breakfast room. So we enjoyed scallops, Chablis and sole . A walk in the park. A slump in the bar and then an early night. Comfy room, SKY TV, lovely beds. And they laid my own bed, an actual bed for me, a dish a mat and frankly if the humans annoy the hell out of me on this trip I will just come back here and live forever.

Breakfast another triumph. smoked haddock and ap laced egg for LSH I had the omelette with tomato and mushroom. Delicious coffee, freshly squeezed OJ, toast, cereal and again smiling attentive staff.

We were on the road again but have put a great big YES against this hotel – for our pack of 2 legged and 4 legged travellers we will be back.

Sausage Tip: We are off skiing next week. She has bought paw wax for me. I remain unconvinced. Report back from the slopes soon.
CC

New bark recognition software means dogs can now write!

Everyone puts words in the mouths of us sausages but this blog is straight from me.IMG_6114Yup that’s me, that low slung hairball on the floor above – it’s hard to believe but at last sophisticated bark recognition software has made this blog possible. I am jubilating with a bonio and planning my memoirs but *yawn* only after I’ve had a good scratch and snooze.

I am short legged, hairy footed, long backed, wire-haired, sausage miniature – you may be a hairy 1 or 2  legged, averagely backed, humanoid  but other than that. We are one and the same.

Woof!

 

 

Ski bum

This time next week I will be in the alps.

Despite my tiny leg length as you can see above  I can move and fast!

Wait til I get on those skies!

WHOOPEE!

 

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