I’m livid – there’s a new sausage in town.


I am not generally an over emotional sausage – but I feel compelled to write this down to try and purge the deep unhappiness I feel.  I have my place in our house – Supreme Ruler – and that has been the case since I first arrived 4 years ago. Yes yes she has dallied with the idea of introducing a dog to the household but I have made it clear, I am allergic to dogs and do not wish to share my space with one on an ongoing basis.

However some whispering and snickering and a frisson of excitement was building in our house – I chose to rise above it – they really do behave appallingly and it could have been anything that was setting them off. A party,  the opportunity for a day out, a booze up – so I didn’t suspect anything when I was harnessed up and placed in my usual place in the car – back left,  able to see out of the window where I generally try to bite my tongue and not back seat drive.  To be honest it’s hard – I mean she drives whilst talking and listening to the radio at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. I just wish she wouldn’t. Even if I could talk – I wouldn’t talk that much.  And I certainly wouldn’t talk such a lot of drivel. I’m sure of it. So to survive the journey intact I did what I usually do which is is lie down and zone out.

What in Gods name does she think she’s doing?

Next thing I know I am being lifted down and unclipped. Looking around it was a lovely spot – in the Scottish borders – a green and pleasant land I thought as I lifted my leg to announce my arrival.

We were outside a lovely cottage and as I made my way towards it the door opened and out came 4 wire haired sausages – all girls! My instinct was to turn and run – I suspected they wanted me for one thing and one thing only – but sadly I was unable to help in that department having been emasculated by the vet some time ago.  (I don’t want to dwell on that its still too painful) So I stood still, my eyes bulging as the 4 of them boldly sniffed and prodded me in all sorts of personal places with their hairy wee noses. And then I noticed there was yet another one tentatively emerging from the door – a tiny thing – I did wonder if it was in fact a dog at all. As this hairy footed scrap ambled over the human was down on her knees like a shot – holding out her hand to the interloper which approached tentatively.

Please make her go away.

My eyebrows bristled I had a bad feeling about this –  and as the Gang of Fur tromped off back inside – it was just me, the tiny wee pup and the humans left.  “This is all very well ” I barked as I turned toward the car “but I’m off home now – nice to meet you goodbye”

He hoisted me back into the car, usual seat, and I settled awaiting the driver to get back in but much to my horror the other back door opened and the tiny little scrap was placed right next to me, in a miniature version of my harness, and covered in a blanket. Hyperventilating my eyebrows bristled and I closed my eyes blocking out what I suspected was going to shape up to be the worst day of my life.

The Gang of Fur descend….I am hiding….

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What's The Chat Edinburgh?

weekly podcast with Alison Craig and John Wood.

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